60991 BLIND INVESTMENTS

By Rene Gutteridge

GENRE: Comedy
TIME: 5 minutes
CAST BREAKDOWN: 2M,1F
THEME: Finances; Family Communication
SCRIPTURE: Ecclesiastes 5:10-20; Matthew 6:24-34; Luke 12:13-21; 1 Timothy 6:6-10
CHURCH YEAR SEASON: Epiphany; Pentecost; Thanksgiving
PURPOSE: To open a discussion on personal finances
SYNOPSIS:
Joe is trying to balance the family checkbook and chides Shelly for her extravagance — she bought two loaves of bread for the week when the family clearly only needs one. Shelly, at her wits' end with Joe's "financial savvy" and what it's doing to their checking account, has called a Christian financial consultant to help out. This humorous script is a good discussion-starter on financial responsibility.
CHARACTERS:
Joe ~ A man on the verge of financial trouble
Shelly ~ His wife
Rick ~ A Christian financial consultant
PROPS:
1) Small table
2) Cell phone
3) Several magazines
4) Calculator
5) Papers (bills, receipts, etc.)
5) Coffee mug
COSTUMES: Contemporary clothing, appropriate to character
SOUND: Three wireless mikes; sound effect of a doorbell ringing
LIGHTING: General stage
SETTING: Joe and Shelly's home
DIRECTOR'S NOTES:
Have fun with this script. Talking about finances can be difficult, especially in church. Make this light and somewhat over-the-top to keep the audience at ease. If you approach it with a heavy hand and make Joe the obvious "bad guy," the audience won't be very receptive to the ensuing pastor's message on financial responsibility.

JOE sits at his kitchen table which is covered in bills. He is busy crunching numbers on his calculator. He looks at the figures and then calls for his wife, SHELLY.

JOE

Shelly! Shelly!

SHELLY

(ENTERING) Yes, Joe.

JOE

(Frustrated) This isn't adding up.

SHELLY

What's that, dear?

JOE

Well, according to your grocery receipt from last week, you bought two loaves of bread.

SHELLY

Yes, that's true.

JOE

Well, (adding the figures on his calculator) with four of us in the family, eating three sandwiches each a week, and assuming all sandwiches have two slices of bread, that means we should be using 24 pieces of bread per week, which is exactly how many pieces of bread are in one loaf.

SHELLY

Okay …?

JOE

(Turning to her) You bought two loaves of bread last week! Shelly, we can't afford this kind of extravagant spending!

SHELLY

(Patiently listening, sits down at the table) Honey, you are forgetting one thing. Toast for breakfast.

JOE recalculates quickly.

JOE

Okay, so maybe 12 more pieces of bread a week. Why, then, did you buy a whole other package of bread?

SHELLY

Bread doesn't come in half loaves. You sort of have to buy the whole thing.

JOE

(Tearing the adding tape from his calculator) Well, we've got to cut back on things, Shelly. Our money is so tight we can barely pay our bills.

SHELLY

I know, that's why I asked-

JOE

So, here's what we're going to do. No more toast for breakfast. (SHELLY starts to retort. He stops her.) Nope. I'm putting my foot down on extravagant spending. One loaf of bread per week, and that's final. Now, have you seen my cell phone? I want to call and get a tee time.

SHELLY

Honey, why don't you call on the, um, regular phone? There's no charge per minute …

JOE

(Dialing) Oh, I just love all these new electronic gadgets.

SHELLY

Speaking of gadgets, I got a bill for some sort of electronic pocket calendar?

JOE

Oh, yes, I ordered that off the Internet. Got it for a real deal. Just $548! You can just put it on the MasterCard.

SHELLY

Um, that's maxed out.

JOE

Then the Visa.

SHELLY

Maxed out, too.

JOE

The DiscoverCard?

SHELLY

Honey, listen, I've been thinking about our finances, too. We're definitely in trouble. So I asked a man who specializes in —

JOE

(In the phone) Yes! I'd like to set up a tee time for Friday. Yeah, what the heck, give me a golf cart, too. A four-seater? Sure. That'll give me plenty of room for my clubs. Sounds good, thanks. (Hangs up) I'm sorry, what were you saying?

SHELLY

Well, that I've been thinking of ways we can help ourselves get out of financial trouble. There is a Christian financial consultant in our church who would like to come over and talk with us about some principles from the Bible that may help us in this area. He's bringing over a book he would like us to read.

JOE

(Folding his arms together) How much does the book cost?

SHELLY

Ten dollars.

JOE

Ten dollars? Do you know what we could do with 10 dollars? Do you know how many loaves of bread you could buy with 10 dollars?

SHELLY

Well, maybe we should consider it an investment into good, sound financial decision making.

JOE

Oh, no … oooohhhh, noooo. (Waving his finger at her) I've seen these kinds of things before on TV. It's a scam, Shelly. Listen to me. I know what I'm talking about. You put some amount of money in, and then some sort of pyramid thing happens and you're supposed to make a lot of money on it. Dateline did a whole show about it. (Grabbing her shoulders) Trust me, darling. I'm investment savvy.

SHELLY

(Smiling tolerantly) Honey, the last time you invested our money in something, our car got repossessed.

JOE

Look, it's not my fault those stupid people at the toy company couldn't market the genius idea of a square ball. That should've made millions.

SHELLY

Yes, well, I think that we should probably listen to this man. I think he's probably got —

The doorbell rings. SFX: Doorbell.

SHELLY

I'll get it.

SHELLY EXITS, then ENTERS again with RICK in tow.

RICK

Hello. I'm Rick Martin. I'm a Christian financial consultant. Your wife invited me here.

JOE

Joe.

They shake hands.

SHELLY

Can I get you coffee or tea or maybe a soft drink? Oh, and I have lemonade, too.

RICK

Coffee-black is fine.

SHELLY EXITS

JOE

I'm glad you're here. As you can see, Shelly really needs some help in this area. (RICK gives him a puzzled look.) For example, who really needs coffee, tea, soft drinks and lemonade all in one house? A little extravagant, don't you think?

RICK

Nice watch.

JOE

Thanks. It's a Rolex. You know, I've tried to talk to Shelly about these things. But she doesn't seem to listen.

RICK

Funny. She says the same thing about you.

JOE

Me? I don't need help with my finances. I'm the king of frugalness. I tried to tell Shelly how much money we'd save on our water bill if we only flushed the toilet once a week, but she says I'm nuts.

RICK

Um … why's it so dark in here?

JOE

Oh, it's my rule. Only one light bulb on in the house at once. Saved a fortune on our electric bill.

RICK

But if there's one light on here, and Shelly's in the kitchen, where's her light?

JOE

Oh, she doesn't need one. We practiced her cooking blindfolded for one whole week so I'd be able to read the paper while she's fixing dinner every evening.

SHELLY

(ENTERING) Here's your coffee.

RICK

(Looking at it and then setting it down) Okay, well, if we can just get started here.

The doorbell rings again. SFX: Doorbell.

JOE

I'll get it. (He EXITS.)

RICK

Shelly, I think we've got a long way to go with your husband. He just doesn't seem to get that he's tightening his belt in all the wrong places.

SHELLY

Well, I'm sure after we get started, he'll get it.

JOE ENTERS with an arm full of magazines.

JOE

Hey, look at this!

SHELLY

Joe! What are you doing with all those magazines?

JOE

Well, if you buy Tennis Digest for three years, you get 10 more magazines at 50 percent off!

SHELLY

(Glancing at RICK, embarrassed) Honey, um, you don't even play tennis.

JOE

Well, after reading Tennis Digest, maybe I'll start. Listen, don't let me stop the two of you. Rick, go ahead and tell Shelly everything she needs to know. I'm just going to go to the other room and read Glamour. (He EXITS.)

SHELLY

(To RICK) Maybe we should pray …

RICK

Good idea.

Lights out

Copyright © 2001 by Rene Gutheridge