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61100 BERT AND ERNIE: Part 1
by Lorna Lee
Genre: Drama
Time: Approx.15 minutes
Cast Breakdown: 1M, 1F
Theme: Faith; Justice; Redemption; Apologetics
Scripture: Job 8:22, Romans 8:1–39, 2 Peter 12–21
Church Year Season: Any
Suggested Use: Seeker Services; geared for evangelism and
bringing up themes that people typically use as excuses to keep from
getting to know God.
Synopsis: PART 1: Roberta and Ernest (a.k.a. Bert and Ernie) are strangers who meet at the bus stop and whose conversations about God lead them on an interesting journey of discovering who God really is.
Characters:
ROBERTA—a woman in her 30's
ERNEST—a guy in his 30's
Props: Bible, work Items (lunch box, briefcase)
Costumes: Work/business clothes for each
Sound: Two wireless mics
Lighting: General stage
Setting: Bench
Bert and Ernie: Scene #1
Park bench and bus sign are slightly SR; not perfectly
symmetrical on stage. ROBERTA, with briefcase, enters stage left with nose in a book. She is engrossed in the text and looks up just enough to make her way to the bench. She holds it upright enough so the cover is readable. Sits. Ernest enters in business garb, holding travel coffee mug, rushing to bench, looking down the "street" (stage left) and at his watch.
ROBERTA: (Looks up at his abrupt arrival) Mornin'.
ERNEST: (Distracted, hurried) Hi. Did I miss the #6?
ROBERTA: (With a smile) Hope not, that's mine too. (Looks at her watch) Should be about four to five minutes. (Nods, returns to reading)
ERNEST: (Sits with legs crossed, hums, taps foot for a few seconds, then with breezy friendliness) So…you work downtown?
ROBERTA: (Engrossed in book, reluctantly lifts head to look at Ernest) Uh, yeah. (Back to book)
ERNEST: (Another few seconds of toe taps, points to self) Seventeenth and Curtis.
ROBERTA: (Embarrassed at her absorption, makes effort to be courteous) Oh, sorry. Sixteenth and Cleveland, World Trade Center.
ERNEST: (Big exhale) Bet they wish that was renamed. Creepy reminder, huh?
ROBERTA: (Slow to understand) Oh, twin towers. Yeah, I guess so.
ERNEST: (Moving on quickly, looks at her book title, trying to make it all out) "Where…Is God…When It Hurts." (Jerks finger at book with cynicism) S'pose that's a popular book since 9/11.
ROBERTA: (Looks at title herself) Well, I think it's always been a
pretty good question, don't you? (Retreats into her book again, squirms a bit at his forwardness)
ERNEST: (Silent reaction to her last question, re-crosses legs, turns away from Roberta, says to himself almost involuntarily) Nowhere.
ROBERTA: Huh? (Inquires timidly) Excuse me?
ERNEST: Sorry, slipped out. I just said nowhere. God is nowhere when it hurts.
ROBERTA: (Reluctant but tries to comfort with pat phrase) I understand. Sometimes it's hard to feel like God is near. But he promises—
ERNEST: (Curt, defensive, stands, crosses to SL) Sorry. Can't buy it. (Turns back to her with resolve) Look, I don't wanna offend you or anything. I mean, you're obviously the religious sort—
ROBERTA: (Interrupting) Actually, I'm not.
ERNEST: But, you're reading—
ROBERTA: Let's just say I'm interested in getting closer to God.
ERNEST: (Brushes off her remark) Well, whatever. (Back to his point) I don't want to hurt your feelings; what you believe is your own business. (Adamantly) but 9/11 sealed the deal for me.
ROBERTA: What deal is that?
ERNEST: The God deal. Look. You can bet when stuff hits the fan, people suddenly get all spiritual. (Gesturing) God bless America! God save us! (Sanctimoniously) God save the Queen!
ROBERTA: Sure, out of a deep need to know that God's there.
ERNEST: (Shakes head) Nah! Out of weakness. (Authoritatively) If you take an honest look, you gotta admit, this whole God thing is just a nice sedative, a knee-jerk reaction to life's problems—
ROBERTA: (Quoting, a little irritated) A crutch?
ERNEST: (Patronizing) Hey, it's okay. Fantasies help people make it through.
ROBERTA: (Too impassioned, stands in indignation) God is a fantasy?
ERNEST: (Pats her on arm to re-seat her and himself) Now, see, I've gone and offended you.
ROBERTA: No! (More honestly) Well, yes…cuz I happen to believe that (Increasing timidity) God is the most real thing out there.
ERNEST: (Patronizing) That's…great. But, all I can say is, if there is some (Gestures to atmosphere) invisible God out there, he must be pitifully weak. (Shakes head in disgust) Letting nut cases blow up innocent people.
ROBERTA: 9/11?
ERNEST: Yeah.
ROBERTA: (Anticipating his thought) If God is God, why didn't he stop 9/11?
ERNEST: Sure. Look, it doesn't make sense. If God is all powerful, why would he sit back and watch people destroy each other?
ROBERTA: (Struggling) He loves us enough to let us choose.
ERNEST: What kind of love is that!?
ROBERTA: (Frustrated with her responses) Look. I'm Roberta. (Sticks out hand, they shake)
ERNEST: Ernest.
ROBERTA: Glad to meet you. I'm no pastor—
ERNEST: (Hands up in protest and surrender) Hey, sorry, Roberta. (Lectures self) Never talk religion or politics, especially with strangers. (Sheepish grin) It's sure to end in a fight.
ROBERTA: No, don't be sorry. And I don't consider this a fight. (Stands with renewed energy, crosses to SR) I'm not a pastor; I have no slick answers for these questions. But that doesn't mean there aren't answers. (Reaching for words) The best way I can say it…I mean, there's good and there's evil. Everything good is of God. And evil…is the absence of God.
ERNEST: (Sarcastically) That's very…tidy. But what does that have to do with the question? If God were really there, he'd stop the evil.
ROBERTA: (Struggling to think quickly; going too deep too fast, crosses back to seat) It has to do with freedom of choice and the fall of man and…there are spiritual realities-
ERNEST: I'm a concrete kind of guy, uh, (Forgets her name for a moment, then says it in unison with Roberta)-Roberta. God is too…wispy for me. And, except on days when people blow up tall buildings, "good" and "evil" are pretty wispy too.
ROBERTA: And you're satisfied with that? The biggest questions we can ask? And the answer is-"too wispy?"
ERNEST: (Glances to "street" to see bus arrive, rises and says hurriedly; CD of a bus sound) All I'm saying is, if God were really there, we should be able to grab him; get a reading on him.
ROBERTA: (Timidly) That's why Jesus came.
ERNEST: (Rolls eyes) Oh brother! (Small laugh) Saved by the #6. (Exits stage right)
ROBERTA: (Looks at him, then at audience) Not exactly. (Exits stage right)
Lights out.
Bert and Ernie: Scene #2
Park bench and bus sign, slightly SR. ROBERTA, with briefcase, enters stage left and makes her way to the bench. Sits and digs in briefcase for the God book. ERNEST enters in business garb, smiles at seeing ROBERTA and walks casually to bench. Roberta is just holding book in her lap, lost in thought.
ERNEST: Still readin'?
ROBERTA: (Turns head to him, then to book and laughs) Yeah.
But I don't have all the answers yet. (Shyly) Still thinking?
ERNEST: Huh?
ROBERTA: About God and does he exist and all that?
ERNEST: (Sits, casual) I suppose it's always rattling around in
there somewhere. (Ribs her gently) Makes for lively chatter anyway, doesn't it?
ROBERTA: Absolutely. The best kind.
ERNEST: (Leans in with intensity) Okay, Miss Theology-
ROBERTA: (Points to him) Hey, now . . .um…(Has forgotten
his name)
ERNEST: (Points to self) Ernest. Ernie.
ROBERTA: (Gestures to self) Roberta. Now Ernie, I gave you all the caveats the other day. I'm no professor, just a student.
ERNEST: (Holds up hands) I'm kidding. But really, you seem to like talking about this stuff, so, answer me this. The wife and I were talking about this last night. Christians say there is only one way to God, right?
ROBERTA: (Smoothly) No, God says that.
ERNEST: (Brushes away comment) Geez, let me finish.
ROBERTA: (With a smile) Sorry.
ERNEST: Christians walk around telling you theirs is the only way. Well, I gotta tell you. If Christians were to hire a PR firm—(Quick aside) I happen to be in public relations-we'd tell you to get a new mantra, 'cause the old one's pretty narrow-minded. (Shakes head) If you ask me, Christianity is too exclusive.
ROBERTA: And if you ask me—(Inquires with some sarcasm)
are you asking me, Ernie?
ERNEST: (Laughs) Sure. Give it your best shot.
ROBERTA: You make it sound like we're selling something of our own invention.
ERNEST: (Conceited) Well?
ROBERTA: (Irritated) Well, we're not. Christianity is God's design, not ours. (Stands, crosses to SL) Ernie, you're reasoning through this stuff all wrong. If God is God, he gets to cut the deal. And the deal is offered to (Raises hands) everyone. "For God loved the world—"
ERNEST: (Thinks he's got the key rebuttal) Okay, so God is loving
and kind, right?
ROBERTA: Very.
ERNEST: (Slam dunk) Then he's gonna be lenient. (Frustrated reaction from ROBERTA) Think about the dedicated Muslims who are out there. Buddhists, Tree Huggers, whatever. Good people, most of 'em-worshipping (Gestures to air) "God" the best way they know how. You say he isn't even gonna give them a nod for effort?
ROBERTA: If you really look at what each of those religions say, you'll find they're mutually exclusive. They can't all be truth.
ERNEST: (With grimace) Only Christianity. (Waits for ROBERTA to acknowledge) That's so right wing!
ROBERTA: (Irked, crosses back to seat) I hate that word. That is so unfair-
ERNEST: (Shrugs) I'm just clueing you in on how the rest of the world sees this stuff. You Christians. (Shakes head) There's no freedom of thought with you people.
ROBERTA: There's every freedom-to choose God's salvation-or not.
ERNEST: And what about mercy?
ROBERTA: That's God idea too.
ERNEST: (Condescendingly) So, you actually believe, some remote tribe in the rain forest is going to be eternally damned because they didn't catch Billy Graham? (CD of a bus sound , stands up)
ROBERTA: (Exasperated) You're throwing a lot at me, Ernie, for being 7:00 in the morning. I don't have all the answers. (Stands with briefcase)
ERNEST: (Stands, emphatically) So don't be preaching like you do know. Everybody has a right to find his own way. (Walks off stage right. Roberta faces audience, looks up and mouths the word, "Help!" and walks off dejectedly.)
Lights out.
Bert and Ernie: Scene #3
Park bench and bus sign, slightly SR. ROBERTA and ERNIE, each with briefcase (ROBERTA'S has a full-sized Bible inside), enter from stage left laughing and talking.
ROBERTA: (From wing, both laugh, then enter) No, no, it's okay.
ERNEST: (Apologetically) I'm sorry, it just seemed to fit.
ROBERTA: (Diffusing the moment) Really, it's okay. It's just in all the years I've been Roberta, no one has ever called me Bert. If anything, my nickname's Robbie.
ERNEST: (Offering) Oh, well, I can call you—
ROBERTA: (Insisting) No, no. Let's make it official. For you, Ernie, the name's Bert. (Shake hands with amusement)
ERNEST: (Laughs) Hey! Bert and Ernie. We could start our own preschool.
ROBERTA: (Laughs, both sit, ROBERTA cranes necks down the "street") How much time do we have?
ERNEST: The usual. (Checks watch) About 4 minutes. (Hands up in mock defense) But I don't knowif I'm up for your sparring today. I had a late night.
ROBERTA: And I had two cups of coffee just so I'd be ready for you. (Both laugh, then awkward silence, ROBERTA is working up her nerve in that silence, while ERNIE is trying to stay "out" of it this morning) I was thinking about our conversation the other day and-well, I came across something in the Bible that speaks to that. You know, what makes Christianity special.
ERNEST: (Suspiciously) Yes?
ROBERTA: (Opens a huge Bible from her briefcase to places marked)
It says here (Reads), "But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ."
ERNEST: (Sarcastically) Yeah, that's real clear.
ROBERTA: (Self-conscious laugh, flips back a page, losing momentum) And here it says, " In Christ, we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."
ERNEST: That's all one sentence?
ROBERTA: (Uncomfortable, but pressing on) The point is—
ERNEST: (Mocking) There's a point?
ROBERTA: (A look) It gets back to square one: In here, (Indicates the Bible) God sets the terms of the deal between himself and man, then goes ahead and meets those terms himself. (Self satisfied nod, and big breath)
ERNEST: (Patronizing) Bert, you're a nice kid and well meaning, I'm sure. But (Shrugs as he points to Bible), using that book as some official memo from God-doesn't fly.
ROBERTA: (Too academic) Have you ever researched who wrote it and when and under what circumstances?
ERNEST: Sure. Fine. A great history book, but where does the (Exaggerated) holiness come in? (Grabs the Bible from BERT) And look at the size of this sucker! Couldn't God have given us
the Cliff notes?
ROBERTA: (Sarcastic herself) Sorry. Six thousand years takes up some space. (Brighter) But, look, it's all here. Everything that's happened between God and mankind.
ERNIE: How do you know that?
ROBERTA: (Floundering) Well, it's one continuous, unfolding story-
ERNEST: (Interrupting) With a lot of really vague sentences and whacked-out characters.
ROBERTA: (Laughs) I'll give you that, but-(Looks up and sees bus coming, quickens her comments) for all its difficulties, there are some very clear statements: God is holy, we aren't. We need to be rescued, God rescues.
ERNEST: What about the contradictions?
ROBERTA: What contradictions?
ERNEST: (Shrugs) I don't know. They're all over. (Flips through it haphazardly)
ROBERTA: (Intensely) Have you ever read the Bible for yourself?
ERNEST: (Both rise for bus, hands her back Bible) I don't have to. (Ribs her) People are always quoting it to me! (CD of a bus sound) Bus, Bert. Get on the bus.
ROBERTA: You should give it an honest read. Ask God, "If it's true, show me."
ERNEST: When I don't even believe there is a God? (Starts to push Bert from behind toward exit) Pushy, Bert. Too pushy. (Both exit stage right.)
Lights out.
DIRECTING BERT AND ERNIE
This drama is comprised of six vignettes, or scenes. It will be published as two parts: part 1 (first three vignettes) and part 2 (second three). They were originally performed over a six-week period as sermon openers. Part 2 will be offered as an online script. Please take time to look at the second part so you can see the continuity between all six.
If you perform the vignettes back-to-back, you'll need to show that time elapses between each scene.
Some suggestions:
1. Technically: If you have the technical capabilities, you can do this effectively with lighting. Use a twilight cue when the actors exit (blue hues), then bring up a morning cue (yellow/orange hues) for each scene. Alternate these cues to show passage of time.
2. Costume pieces: The actors can wear a neutral basic costume and add colorful pieces: a sweater, hat, jacket, scarf. Each time the actors exit, they would change their pieces and come on as if it is a day, week, month, year later.
3. A silly prop: Have a third actor cross the stage with a sign ("Three days later") or, have a miked actor offstage say, "Three days later…"
These ideas are not exclusive of each other. You can use one or all, or be creative and think of your own!
CHARACTERIZATION NOTES
How the characters enter makes a huge difference in whether or not we believe time has passed between scenes. Your actors will need to have believable entrances (see Acting Term). You don' feel the same way every morning. Help your actors decide how they feel before they ever go to the bus stop. Did they have a fight with their spouse? Did the kids cry as they left? Did their vitamins disagree with them? Did they take a three-mile run? It will take lots of repetition to memorize their different emotions, as not much real time elapses between scenes.
ACTING EXERCISE: It's All About Me
Have each actor write a character analysis and ask:
1. What does my character say about him/herself? Is it true?
2. What does my character say about other characters? Is it true?
3. What do other characters say about my character? Is it true?
4. What is my motivating desire* in each scene? Does it change from scene to scene?
5. What is preventing my character from getting what I want?
*Motivating desire: what does your character want more than anything?
Individually, have the actors decide what happens to their character each morning before they enter (see Characterization notes) and discuss it. Individually improvise the moment before they leave home. Then put them together and have them react naturally to the emotions of the other.
STAGING NOTES
There's not much difficulty in staging a bus stop, but don't assume they have to sit right away. What else can they do? Bert could sit while Ernie stands behind the bench and leans on it. He could put one leg up on it. Ernie could stretch a little, then sit. Bert could stand next to the bench or lean against the trash can.
ACTING TERM:
Believable entrances: To create a reality
that exists prior to your entrance onstage.For example, if I were playing Ernie in Scene One, I may improvise an argument that I had just before I left home for the bus stop. I am stewing about that argument in my head as I make my entrance onstage, so that when I encounter Bert, I am preoccupied and in a bad mood. My initial reactions and interactions with her are terse and self-centered until something she says makes me forget the argument and pay attention to her. In Scene One, Bert has obviously been to this bus stop many times. Ernie, on the other hand, has not. He doesn't know if he's missed the bus or what time it comes. So, Ernie could have come from a fight with his wife, only to be nervous about missing his bus and runs into a person he's never met who starts talking about Jesus. Talk about nerve-wracking! Bert knows nothing about Ernie except that he's a new guy at the stop, although she can read from his body language that he is upset and nervous. This will color the way she speaks to him.
Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. He wanted to see who Jesus was, but being a short man he could not, because of the crowd. So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.
Luke 19:1-4 NIVTHOUGHTS FROM THE PASTOR
There was a buzz about the city. This day would not be like any other day. At least, that is what everyone in town was saying. A guest would be arriving shortly and his reputation had preceded him. Some called this strange man the answer to all their problems. Others called him another crazy nut that was out to trick the weak-minded. Miracles followed this guy. Blind received sight; deaf heard; the crippled walked; and that was just the visible stuff. People said this man had changed their life. He moved them from feeling lost and alone to feeling complete inside. And the crowd this guy hung out with…well let's just say that they were far from the cream of the crop. What was his deal? Why was he coming to this town? Why is that man laying on a tree branch hanging over the road?When you read the story of Zacchaeus it is painfully obvious he was looking for something. From the outside he had everything. He had the biggest house, lots of servants and a pile of money that would choke a camel. So, why was he in the tree? The answer is simple. He lacked fellowship with God. He longed to find true satisfaction. He had searched high and low for that last missing piece in his life. Do you realize that this could be the story of your co-worker or neighbor? Maybe we should follow Jesus' lead and open our eyes wide enough to spot the little obscure man way up in the tree. He's looking for Christ. Are you looking to help him find Christ?
Study/Discussion Questions:
1. What stands out to you in the story of Zacchaeus? (Luke 19:1–10)
2. Have you been too busy to spot the needs of those around you?
3. Do people around you know that you have a
relationship with Christ? How do they know?
4. Are you doing anything that is intentional to invest in those who do not know Christ? What?
Worship Theme:
The work of Christ for our salvationWorship Idea:
There is a beautiful section in Puritan writer Richard Baxter's "The Saints Everlasting Rest" (http://www.ccel.org/b/baxter/saints_rest/htm/iii.htm Chapter 1, app. Paragraph 22) that could be used to set up "Lord, I Lift Your Name On High" (it is loosely quoted within the song).
MUSICAL LINKS
Performance Songs
Favorite Song Of All
(God's view of evangelism)
As performed by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir from their recording
Favorite Song Of All on Warner Alliance Records
Musical Style: SATB; gospel/pop
With Joy Unspeakable
(testimony to God's love)
www.worshiptoday.com
Musical Style: medium
Field Of Souls
(evangelism)
As performed by Wayne Watson from his recording
Field Of Souls on Warner Alliance Records
Musical Style: medium pop/rock
What Do You Want From Me?
(questions a non-believer asks)
E. Tracey (contact www.northlandchurch.org)
Musical Style: dramatic ballad
Hymns:
Of The Father's Love Begotton
(the identity of Jesus)
A. Pruentius (arr. Steven V. Taylor Word Music)
Musical Style: medium tempo ballad
Lift High The Cross
(evangelism)
G. Kitchin
Musical Style: strong anthem
Blessed Assurance
(peace in Christ)
F. Crosby; J. Knapp
Musical Style: medium
How Firm A Foundation
(the truth of God's Word)
G. Keith; Early American Melody
Musical Style: medium
Choruses:
Here I Am, Lord
(evangelism)
D. Schutte S.J.
Musical Style: medium
God Is In Control
(God's sovereignty in the
midst of crisis)
T. Paris
Musical Style: medium tempo
I Believe
(God's Word)
W. King
Musical Style: up tempo
Lord, I Lift Your Name On High
(the Gospel proclaimed)
R. Founds
Musical Style: medium
Performance and photocopying rights:
Your purchase of this script grants your church unlimited use of these sketches within your programs and worship services. You may photocopy the script for each cast member in your church. Scripts and performance rights are not transferable between churches and cannot be resold. You may not use the sketches for any commercial or fundraising purpose, and usage rights do not extend to video, radio, television or film.Copyright © 2003 by Lorna Lee
