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61103 BERT AND ERNIE:
PART TWO
by Lorna Lee
(Note: The following apply to all three scenes)
GENRE: Drama
TIME: 1-3: Approx. 15 minutes; 4-6: Approx. 15 minutes
CAST BREAKDOWN: 1M, 1F
THEME:
Scene 4: Christ as Savior
Scene 5: Spirituality versus Truth
Scene 6: Emotion versus Faith
CHURCH YEAR SEASON: Any
SUGGESTED USE: Seeker services; Geared toward evangelism and bringing up themes that people typically use as excuses to keep from getting to know God.
SYNOPSIS:
Scene 4: Roberta stumbles when she can't find any particular verses where Christ claims to be the Son of God.
Scene 5: Roberta makes some headway with Ernest when she challenges him with the idea of "goodness." How do you define "good" when you have no moral guidelines?
Scene 6: Ernest is close to making a decision but challenges Roberta with the question of why Christians don't lead blissful lives once they accept God.
CHARACTERS:
ROBERTA—a woman in her 30s
ERNEST—a guy in his 30s
PROPS: Bible, work items (lunch box, briefcase)
COSTUMES:
ERNEST—Suit/work clothes
ROBERTA—Suit/work clothes
SOUND: Two wireless mics
LIGHTING: General stage
SETTING: Bench
SCRIPTURE REFERENCE:
Scene 4: John 5:16-30
Scene 5: Matthew 19:17
Scene 6:Matthew 5:45
DIRECTOR'S TIP
The author of this series made an excellent assertion: It's not your job to prove God, just present him. These dramas provide a realistic portrait of what interactions between a believer and nonbeliever often look like. Ernest has valid points and states his position clearly (if not facetiously at times), while Roberta doesn't always have a clear understanding of the Bible or which answers would be appropriate to his myriad questions. One suggestion for directing this piece is to utilize these dramas for any classes your church might be giving on evangelizing/witnessing. With minor tweaks, these sketches provide great opportunities for a "right answer/wrong answer" scenario. Meaning, have the actors perform each piece as written the first time through. Then your pastor or leader can discuss where Roberta could have answered questions differently, and "replay" the scene with the new lines.
BERT AND ERNIE: Scene #4
Park bench and bus sign. ERNIE, with briefcase, seated on bench. ROBERTA enters with briefcase and travel mug.
ERNEST: (Upon seeing her approach, calls out in surrender) Okay. Okay! I read it.
ROBERTA: (Casually) Reading is good. What did you read? (Gets to bench, sits)
ERNEST: Your gospel of—who was it?—John. Gospel of John. I feel holier already.
ROBERTA: (Eyes roll) No, really, whaddya think? Did God teach you anything?
ERNEST: (Mock offended) That's kind of personal, don't you think?
ROBERTA: Not when that's the whole point. If you don't take it personally, reading the Bible isn't gonna do you much good.
ERNEST: Okay. It left me with more questions than answers. Satisfied?
ROBERTA: (Disappointed) Oh.
ERNEST: Look. It was a mixed bag. Confusing. Obscure. Interesting, in a way.
ROBERTA: What about Jesus?
ERNEST: What about him? He's in there.
ROBERTA: As what?
ERNEST: As a smart guy with a lot of definite opinions. Fanatical. Some sort of power coming off him…maybe.
ROBERTA: (Smugly) When you're God's son, power comes with the package.
ERNEST: Hold on. Big leap. (Defensively) I looked for that. But Jesus seemed kind of evasive on who he was.
ROBERTA: Did you get to the resurrection chapter?
ERNEST: It's a stretch for me, Bert. The stuff of legends.
ROBERTA: Maybe you should give it another go.
ERNEST: Don't you ever let up?
ROBERTA: You just said the Bible wasn't an easy read.
ERNEST: (Self assuredly) I picked up quite a bit, actually. (Ticks off on fingers) Jesus was a teacher, storyteller, healed cripples, told 'em to repent. All in all, some good people skills. But God? (Shakes head) A clear case of mistaken identity.
ROBERTA: Not for him.
ERNEST: Where does he specifically say he was God?
ROBERTA: I don't know offhand.
ERNEST: (Gives a look)
ROBERTA: I don't have the whole gospel memorized, Ernie.
ERNEST: (Sees bus; CD of a bus sound) Here she comes.
ROBERTA: (Frustrated) Can I have just two minutes to cram, professor?
ERNEST: One, one thousand…And while you're at it, prove that Trinity thing. Two, one thousand… (Speaks while walking off stage right)
ROBERTA: Augh!
Exits stage right.
BERT AND ERNIE: SCENE #5ROBERTA and ERNIE, each with briefcase, are walking down the street toward the bus stop. They enter from stage left, talking. They stop and pace and gesture their way across the stage.
ERNIE now concedes that spirituality has its place-for some people, for the spiritual types (as opposed to his position in #1 sketch, where any spirituality was for weaklings).
ROBERTA: (Both enter and stay SL, exasperated) What's it gonna take for you to believe, Ernie?
ERNEST: Nothin'.
ROBERTA: (Not sure how to interpret) What?
ERNEST: Hey. I'm just not the type. But I'm glad faith works for you, Bert. I really am. (Somewhat condescending) It seems to fill some need you have.
ROBERTA: (Matter of fact) So you're faithless.
ERNEST: Well, that's not very flattering—
ROBERTA: You just said you don't have room for faith. No faith in anything.
ERNEST: (Recovering) Okay. Yeah, it's too "out there." Can't get my arms around it.
ROBERTA: But you have faith in gravity. Faith the sun will rise. Faith your wife loves you.
ERNEST: Okay, faith I can see, I have. (Motions as if shooting a basket) Give me two points.
ROBERTA: But mine is imaginary?
ERNEST: (Quick to soothe, arm around her) No, no, God's real enough to you. You go to church. You sing Kum Bay Yah. You get a sermon, which is sometimes like a pep talk. You're raring to go again.
ROBERTA: Sunday morning is just part of the Christian life—
ERNEST: Look-maybe I'm just not wired for spirituality. What you call "answers to prayer," I see as "coincidence." What you call "God-led," I see as "instinct." And that's just as satisfying for me.
ROBERTA: But you're looking at things as though you're the source of truth. Couldn't there be something higher than your own opinion?
ERNEST: (Crosses to center stage) If I experienced this (Exaggerated) "higher truth," I'd buy it—
ROBERTA: (Very frustrated, follows him) I've been trying!
ERNEST: But I don't get it, Bert. The need for it, or the solution. And until I do, I'll have to listen to my own gut. Why can't you accept that?
ROBERTA: (Knee-jerk response, uncensored) Because you're lost, Ernie!
ERNEST: (Insulted) I'm "lost"?
ROBERTA: (Realizing her mistake in wording) I mean, we're friends. And with all my heart I believe you'll stand before God one day, and I don't want you to be surprised.
ERNEST: (Defensively, crosses to SR) Aren't I a nice guy? A decent husband. Pay my taxes. Give to charity. Show up to work on time…(Aside) Except when I miss the 7:05.
ROBERTA: (Challenging, pursues him) So you're a good man. Good compared to what? To who?
ERNEST: That's to whom.
ROBERTA: (Returns to center stage) Give me a break.
ERNEST: (Emphatically) Look. God is not in my database. Okay? I can't keep factoring him in when I've never met the guy! I believe in what I see and experience. My mortgage-that's real. My job, real. Marriage is real.
ROBERTA: (Affirming) Sure, very. And God wants to show himself to you through them-and everything else in your life.
ERNEST: (Laughs) No one can fault you for effort, Bert.
ROBERTA: (Pressing) You can't put God in your pocket, Ernie. He can't be reduced to a simple equation.
ERNEST: So how come you're always talking about "knowing" him?
ROBERTA: OK. Fine. You can't know. (Waits for ERNIE'S surprised reaction) It's impossible. You can't know God. (Pause) Unless you look to Jesus Christ. (Crosses to him, "slugs on arm," exits behind him) Don't try to cross the river without using the bridge.
ERNEST: (Trying to lighten it up, delivers straight out to audience) Who feeds you these one-liners, anyway?
Exits.
BERT AND ERNIE: #6
Wrought iron table and two chairs. The scene is a Starbucks. Both BERT and ERNIE, in business garb, are drinking coffee, seated, when scene opens, as if they are already in mid-conversation.
ERNEST: (Killer serve) Answer me this, Bert. If Christianity is so all-fire great, why aren't Christians happier, huh? Huh? I see so-called Christians moping around like everyone else, flipping people off on the highway, divorcing right and left. Where's the hope in that? (Mimicking) Where's the joy of the Lord?
ROBERTA: (Embarrassed, subdued) It's tragic, there's no question.
ERNEST: You better believe it. Weakens your case big time.
ROBERTA: Well, then, glad "the case" isn't in my hands.
ERNEST: (Insistently) But it is-if you call yourself a spokesman for Christianity.
ROBERTA: (Sighs) Ernie. Christ is the only real spokesman for Christianity. His followers are capable of sinning every day, just like anyone…(Pauses to think) But there's a difference.
ERNEST: (Scornfully) You're forgiven?
ROBERTA: Well, yes, but—
ERNEST: (Jerks finger to self) And heathens are not.
ROBERTA: Give me a minute. (Pauses) On the outside, my sins do look just like yours. I fly off the handle, you fly off the handle; I nag my husband, you nag your wife—
ERNEST: Only when I have due cause. (Accusing finger) But, hey, you're supposed to be this "new creation." (Melodramatically, like an old-time tent revival preacher) Free from sin and bound for the Promised Land!
ROBERTA: Spiritually, yes, I am. Working it out in my (Gestures to self) flesh, I still get—tangled. But it's a different kind of a struggle. I want to do the right thing, or stop doing the wrong thing out of love for God-because I realize just how much he loves me.
ERNEST: There's my point again. How come we pagans don't get to see more of this great Christian love?
ROBERTA: I think you do, if you look at us fairly, and realize we're not perfect. The change starts (Gestures to heart) inside. When you decide to accept God's deal, you begin seeing how intense the battle is out there—(Gestures to heart) and in here-between good and evil. (Pause) I admit. After I became a Christian, life got more complicated. Suddenly I was disturbed by things that blew right by me before. I agonized more.
ERNEST: (Teasing again) Agonized. Terrific sales pitch, there, Bert. Makes me want to jump on board. (Looks around) Where do I sign?
ROBERTA: (Matter of fact) Well, this is a conversation about truth. Right?
ERNEST: ("Surrenders" with hands) Whatever you say.
ROBERTA: And what I say is, I'd rather enter into this struggle than be oblivious to it.
ERNEST: But why doesn't God spare you all this struggling? Wouldn't it make a better impression on skeptics if you lived a charmed life? Would certainly sell me. (Crosses arms)
ROBERTA: Would it? Are you sure? Maybe God figured it would be more impacting if the faithful still got broadsided, still got knocked around. And even in the midst of fear, still chose to believe. Still trusted that God was in control.
ERNEST: (ROBERTA glances at watch) If I were writing the script—
ROBERTA: (With a smile) But you're not. The faithful are tested by what we do with fear and trials, not whether or not we have them.
ERNEST: (Vulnerable, searching) And what about the trials of the unfaithful?
ROBERTA: (Soft and tender) They're meant to draw you in. (Stands, slugs Ernie in arm affectionately) Sometimes it's the only way God can get your attention. (Realizing she was too pointed, backpedals) I mean, people's attention. (Takes up cup)
ERNEST: (Intense, softer than ever) You think God's trying to get my attention?
ROBERTA: (Leans into him) Ernie, what do you think? (Exits)
ERNIE stays at table for half of a song, played by the worship team (or a CD). A quiet, reflective song about surrender or faith. Halfway through the song, ERNIE rises and slowly exits, lost in thought.
Lights out.
Performance and photocopying rights:
Your purchase of this script grants your church unlimited use of these sketches within your programs and worship services. You may photocopy the script for each cast member in your church. Scripts and performance rights are not transferable between churches and cannot be resold. You may not use the sketches for any commercial or fundraising purpose, and usage rights do not extend to video, radio, television or film.Copyright © 2003 by Lorna Lee
